duct tape hates me.

Jack Russell Crowe

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark

what is this i dont even

I’m currently working in a bookstore and let me tell you, it’s great. I imagine it’s akin to a pedophile employed at an elementary school. (Okay, so analogies have never been my strong point, forgive me.)

A third of my time is spent reading, much to the chagrin of the people paying me to work. Another third is spent flirting with unsuspecting women. The remaining fifty percent is wasted trying to learn math.

I’d like to talk about the second one.

bed bugs

A south Florida child was recently arrested for attacking her parents after refusing to go to bed.

She’s been charged with resisting a rest.

slappy new year!

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a dog.

As I’ve stated on this blog many a times, I’m an introvert. And as such, making a ton of new friends isn’t too high on my priority list. It’s right below getting a tooth pulled and just a smidge above picking up a transsexual hooker.

Why is it such a problem? I’ll tell you why.

Women are from Venus, men are from Earth.

ukraine girls really knock me out

Recently for my birthday, a friend gave me the gift of coupons. A small book chock full of rebates, all ready to be clipped along the dotted lines. But instead of 50% off steak entrees and two-for-one car washes, all the coupons were limited to one particular store — a local pharmacy. My friend decided the best present to give me was a pamphlet filled with discounts on cough syrup and antiseptics. Alas, she gave it to a completely healthy person.

Now I am not the type to waste perfectly good coupons! It’s like throwing away money. And only fools throw away money. I, most certainly, am not a fool. Which is why I spent the next few weeks tirelessly trying to get ill.

That’s right. Whenever someone sneezed or coughed, it was like my bat signal. I was there before you could say ’swine flu’, face in their personal space soaking up all the germs I possibly could.

Why am I reusing this snotty tissue you ask? Um, I’m going green and saving the environment of course! Oh you dropped a cookie on the floor . . . two days ago? Consider it eaten. Yes, I was the one who drank the rest of the soda pop you left in the fridge. Yes, I know you have a sore throat. Stop looking at me like that.

Nothing worked.

I tried my hardest, but no matter what I did I couldn’t seem to get sick. In fact, it seemed my immune system was actually getting stronger! Dejected, I finally gave up my quest and in a fit of anger, ripped that coupon book to little shreds.

I got sick two days later.

happy birthday to me

Well, one more year in the books. Someone had to remind me that it was my birthday, just to give you an idea of how excited I get about it. I don’t really celebrate until the weekend anyway, so having a birthday that falls on a Thursday is something that easily slips my mind. It started off horribly: my dog had a seizure that scared the bejeezus out of me. I don’t really want to focus on that, so moving on . . .

I like to take time during birthdays to reflect on the past. See how much I’ve grown over the past 365 days. I seem to completely miss things while they’re happening, but once I look back on them, I slap my forehead thinking, ‘HOW DID MISS THAT?” Unfortunately, this revelation comes about too late sometimes and I’m not able to fix my mistakes because the moment has passed me by. BUT, optimistically looking at it, there is always time to change.

One thing that always strikes me is that, ever since I can remember, I’ve always felt myself to be mature. And every birthday that passes, I look back and notice I’m never as mature as I thought I was. That’s not to say I’m sophomoric. In fact, I’ve always felt I’ve been too mature for my peers. Perhaps I’m just confusing ‘mature’ and ‘reserved’ in this situation. All I know is that for most of my life, I look around and my friends and their friends and THEIR friends are running around acting like troglodytes, yelling and screaming the most idiotic things ever heard on the face of the Earth. It’s worse when they’re drunk. I’m referring to guys here, since girls tend to be a little less . . . brutish. In any event, it’s hard to have a good time when you feel a bit out of place.

Anyways, for the longest time I’ve thought to myself, “Self, you can’t grow any more. You’ve learned all there is to learn. Guess it’s all mundane from here on out.” Pretty laughable when a 12 year old says that, but that’s about how long I’ve been saying it. And every year I’ve been proven wrong. More than a decade later, I’ve finally stopped believing that you can ever stop learning.

This past year has been taught me a lot about money, careers, relationships, amongst many other things. I feel like this post could be longer. Maybe a bit more humorous with some jokes added on. Alas, I must go off and partake in some drinking of alcoholic beverages. James Joyce and William Faulkner would both be put to shame.

now that’s what I call . . .