It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a dog.

As I’ve stated on this blog many a times, I’m an introvert. And as such, making a ton of new friends isn’t too high on my priority list. It’s right below getting a tooth pulled and just a smidge above picking up a transsexual hooker.

Why is it such a problem? I’ll tell you why.

First off, don’t get me wrong. I love meeting new people. Everyone has a story and getting introduced to all the world’s many different attitudes, personas, and characters is exciting. Not to mention building connections can help you on later on in life, whether it be in your career or perhaps bailing you out of a jail in Tijuana.

The problem lies when your acquaintances aren’t satisfied with just being a random number in your phone. They start demanding more of you. Now they’re calling you wanting to ‘hang out this weekend, maybe catch that new vampire movie’. The next thing you know you’re pulling every muscle in your back helping them move their heavy-ass armoire and you’re left asking yourself what the hell just happened.

When I’m laying on my couch in my underwear, curled up under my dinosaur patterned blanket, and it’s freezing cold outside the last thing I want is someone calling me to come hang out with them. I don’t care if its Neil deGrasse Tyson himself! But the more friends you have the more excuses you have to come up with as to why you don’t want to go to their lame events.

“I have swine flu.”

“My dog ate my car keys. I don’t know, they smelled like chicken I guess.”

“No Julie, New Moon sounds like a fantastic movie it’s just that . . . um . .  . I have this doctors appointment. Oh the movie is at 10 PM? Well, you see, this is a . .  . 24 hr drive-thru doctor. Yeah, he’s from Idaho. It’s like the rage over there or something”

Another problem with people getting to be buddy-buddy with you is that they think they can ‘cross the line’ and get away with it now. They start to loosen up around you and start getting comfortable. The jokes become more insulting, the favors more demanding, your personal space growing smaller by the second. One day they’re asking to borrow 20 bucks and the next they’re making fun of your small peen. Chances are you’ll never see those twenty dollars again and they’ll never understand exactly how cold the pool water was that day. The bottom line is that familiarity breeds contempt.

And that, my friends, is why a dog is man’s best friend. ❤

  1. Susi Spice says:

    did u write this because of me? too many invitations to dinner!? is that why!? huh! huh!?

    have a great new year! dont worry this year no dinner invitations..uve made ur point abundantly clear…

    i guess your spent some time in your jammies watching pride and prejudice huh Mr Ottoman?

  2. stuttgal says:

    Wait a minute, what you are talking about here, they are no friends! They are acquaintances, and if you don’t like them you don’t hang out with them.
    “Friends” are people who call you Sunday mornings at 8 and you don’t get mad at them, and they’re the once who make your face lighten up when you unexpectedly bump into them in the street, and they hug you when you need a hug, and they can make all the insulting jokes they can come up with cause it cracks you up and you can do the same to them. Friends. That’s not just everybody.
    (Although I have heard there’s a certain difference in mentality in different countries when it comes to using the term…)

  3. sly0208 says:

    I think the problem arises when otherwise definitive ‘acquaintances’ turn out to be emotionally needy and clingy leeches. THOSE are the problem children. I understand that everyone needs an ear every once in a while, or a pal to make them feel less lonely, but some people just don’t know where to draw that line of privacy. I feel ya, Ottoman. I’ve had to pry away a few of those parasites, and it’s never easy for either party involved.

    And I agree with what stuttgal says. When a person gains a new, REAL friend (an emotionally stable one), they’ll always know it by those things mentioned.

  4. Otto Mann says:

    I guess that was the point of my post-

    Real friends are hard to come by. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen!

  5. planetross says:

    Happy New Year!

    A friend will hide those “Sex in the City” tapes you’ve recorded … when they find you dead with an orange in your mouth hanging lifeless in the shower wearing pantyhose and Hello Kitty socks.

    hee hee!

  6. jruthkelly says:

    i second sly0208. and commend your honesty. love it.

  7. Susi Spice says:

    ive b een here ottomann through thick and thin…. through blogger inspiration times and bloggers blocks uve had… through the dry and the not the dry… through the postings and non postings… loyal iz i…

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