then my profession would be staring

Posted: January 12, 2009 in yokes
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

So, apparently the Golden Globes just aired recently? I had no clue.

To me these shows are simply rich people stroking each others egos once a year. The entertainment industry celebrating itself. No thanks, I’ll pass.

What stuns me the most is the number of people criticizing and praising what celebs wore the night before, ad nauseam. People love to talk about celebrities as if they are heaven-sent.

I’m sorry, but to me, celebs are JUST like everyone else. Why should I bother caring about their clothes, who they’re supposedly screwing, or what tree they drunkenly crashed into last night? I’ve got plenty of other things to think about! Like why does my dog like to aim her butt at my face every morning?

I say, if you want to put celebrities on a pedestal, then damn it, do it for the average Joes of America too.

Here’s my idea:

– Set up a red carpet outside the door of your joob (That’s French for job, ya ignoramus). Surround this red carpet with lights, cameras, interviewers, and screaming idiots, er I mean, fans.

– As your co-workers start straggling in, have people in the crowd shout out questions like, “CAN I TAKE A PICTURE?” and “WILL YOU SIGN MY TITS?”

– Remember to set up a booth with a couple of commentators (preferably one of them gay) so they can judge what each person is wearing that day. “OMG, can you believe she wore that bunny sweater THREE days in a row now? ” Make sure to yell loud enough so they can hear it, thus crushing their spirits.

– Wait until you see a co-worker walk into a bathroom stall. Then silently fill the room with as many paparazzi as you possibly can. Sneakiness is key here, channel your inner ninja. As soon as the unsuspecting individual steps out of there, start flashing those cameras. Start yelling incoherently. Ask questions like, “Is it true you’re dating Mary from Accounts Payable?!”

– Make sure to get a group to stand by the vending machine. Anytime one of your female co-workers gets a candy bar, pretend like she isn’t there and make snarky comments to each other, “Ugh, what a fat slob.” and “I think she’s pregnant. That little slut.”

– Later e-mail unflattering pictures of that same girl in a bikini to everyone in the office. Bonus points if she’s topless.

I say everyone should live the celeb life for a day. These are just a couple things you can do to make co-workers feel like the STARS that they are. They’ll love you for it, believe me.

  1. Wulfgar says:

    My dog walks around the house with no clothes on, and I would hate for the press to get a hold of this………sucks being a celeb ya know.

  2. This Tree says:

    I work from home, so i guess i’d have to take photographs of myself in a bikini

  3. The Totton linnet says:

    Our dog used to lie across people’s feet to brew up the stinkiest, stenchiest farts imaginable to the human conception.

    ps. this is hilarious!

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    i don’t have a job. do you think the people at the supermarket will indulge me? i want my shopping cart to look like a limo and the cashiers to ask for my autograph (even when i don’t use a credit card).

  5. Joy says:

    I sleep so much better knowing what all those rich folks are wearing!!!

  6. warriorwitch says:

    Only one who wants my autograph is Visa.

    And my cat has the same fetish with his ass as your dog does. Maybe it looks pretty to them, it certainly seems to taste good.

  7. Romi says:

    Gosh, I’ve always had a feeling that people think I’m fat and pregnant when I rip into that chocolate covered granola bar at 3pm everyday….I hate myself (I hate myself? Okay now I really AM a celebrity!)

    PS: I’ m so sorry you get dog-ass every morning šŸ˜¦

  8. defluffe says:

    Actually, I don’t think it’s just preferable, it’s more of a prerequisite to have a gay commentator or whoever on the red carpet, just barely covering their snide distaste towards anything that’s remotely straight.

  9. nursemyra says:

    I’ll volunteer my son as “gay commentator”. no one does snide distaste better

  10. alison says:

    The Ughwards season has started!. Hey maybe those celebs are just doing what your dog is doing .only to all of us! šŸ˜‰

  11. lyricspoetic says:

    Hi there,

    The positive side to recieving awards is the fact that people who work hard (entertaining is a tough job) get to reap benefits and feel rewarded which allows them to keep going and gain more pleasure from what they do.

    The downside is the way our culture,the media, portrays the “celebritites or well known people” and add the perverse ways of thinking..the judgements, idolizing, and sarcasim

    In turn, I can certainly understand why we would want to dislike it. Celebrities are people just like us, only they make a lot of money so the media teaches us to praise them and wish to be them.

    It’s good to know the difference, but dont let the media take away the good.

    Some people are still humble.

  12. daisyfae says:

    but then whose fault is it when your coworkers start showing up on the set in the office drunk, hungover and baked? when they go on all night benders? who pays for the rehab?

    will there be an office “talk show” where they can share their experience, talk about their new found serenity through kabala/scientology?

  13. amandagibbs says:

    Oh I find it to be an incredibly brilliant idea to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous for a day. I think it is sad that we contribute apparently incredibly way too much money to these gossip magazines that they stalk them so much. Have you seen all of those people? OMG America find something better to spend your money on, uhm Like your debt? Just a thought.

  14. jenn says:

    Haha. That would be priceless. Too funny.

  15. millyonair says:


    Yes. I DO need a red carpet in my life. I would like the carpet to go everywhere I go: the post office, the recycling center, the Dollar Store. Imagine the headlines: Milly Buys Kwaanza stamps for her Christmas cards! Milly Goes Green! Thrifty Milly Buys $37.oo Worth of Craptastic Made-in-China Junk! I would totally be a trendsetter.

    But everytime I look at those Which Celebs Totally F-ed Up and Wore Something Vaguely Original to an Awards Show articles on the internet, I think, “oh, that would sooo be me.” I would get crucified.

    Dig your blog, by the way.

  16. Putting average Joes of America on a pedestal seems a dangerous proposition. Look at Joe the plumber now officiating as a War Correspondent in Israel.
    Could we just go back to George Clooney’s tux?

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